Reply To: Empath wife ADHD husband

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Please understand what you are describing in his behaviors are abusive. ADHD, or any other mental disorder, does not excuse anyone from abusive behavior. Just from what you’ve described he’s gaslighting you (making you feel crazy, accusing you of being crazy, denying things that are true, etc) and using what’s called ‘DARVO’ (Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Oppressor – blaming you when he’s the one acting out, making you feel like you’re in the wrong). His rages are a way to control you, to make you shut down so he gets what he wants. He knows you will back down if he loses his temper, so he uses it to his advantage.

You do not deserve this treatment, and he does not deserve to get away with it. You are not the one that needs to adjust or cope, he is the one that needs to change.

If you’re not sure you believe what I’m saying, read the book “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft. You can find copies of it online if you’re worried about him finding it. I spent six years in an abusive relationship, and I spent a long time downplaying what was happening to me, or thinking that because he never hit me, it wasn’t abuse. No one deserves to be abused. Getting out was hard, but it is worth it. You do not deserve to be treated the way you’re being treated.

This has nothing to do with ADHD. ADHD does not make a person an abuser, nor does it eliminate consequences for someone’s actions. This is not something you can talk your way through. You cannot change his behaviors, and he will not change them on his own. All the self-care and meditation in the world will not make this better. Take care of yourself, yes, but get help, and if he’s not receptive to therapy, get out. It’s not worth it. I promise you. Losing a marriage is a lot to go through, but it is better than a lifetime of abuse.