I have the same situation … spouse in denial about likely undiagnosed adhd and frequent irritability and explosive rage. Never aims rage at me but extremely unsettling nonetheless. If gently confront he becomes volatile again and explains why justified in his frustration and outbursts. Ractively verbally attacks me as sensitive or I am the problem. Then he is completely calm minutes later while I am shaken for hours to days.
Couple of strategies I try:
Minimize contact (sounds sad but I’d rather have less time that is hopefully conflict free)
Try to remain calm and disassociate during flare up – breathe, and try to keep your heart rate down. Separate yourself objectively and recognize this is his problem. It’s a bummer but he can’t help it.
Leave the area when your patience
Read about RSD – reactive sensitivity dysphoria. It explains how many adhd suffer from a disproportionate sensitivity to frustration which they perceive as real at 10x greater than reality. Some describe as “like a
punch in the gut”. That’s why they don’t get it when you try to talk it through and explain what happened and how it makes you feel. They persist that they are justified in their
reaction bc that is how intensely they felt by the frustration.
Very tough to for an empath to co-exist with. I truly sympathize with your suffering. However, exiting the relationship would also bring a great deal of suffering in other ways so hopefully applying some coping strategies will work. Good luck. You are not alone.