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I’ve worked as a legal assistant for almost 20 years. Was released from last job (the one that “created” me and with which my identity was sealed) due to the firm downsizing. That was in 2012. I haven’t been “normal” since. I can’t find my niche. I can’t do anything right. I seem to fail at everything and anything. I no longer have any motivation, my health has deteriorated, and yet I keep trying as if I had good sense! I don’t know what to do anymore. For so long now I’ve wondered if all those years I was just “playing the part” of a responsible adult when I was really a failure all along. That thought process certainly didn’t improve anything!
My life has been a rollercoaster of emotions. A few highs, but mostly lows. A couple frightening episodes of being terrified I couldn’t stop myself from taking my own life. And there have been many times I’ve wondered why I’m still here.
I don’t want to be this way anymore. The “me” that people see is better than all this because of the facade. I almost always appear upbeat and together when it reality my entire world is falling apart on the inside and I don’t know what to do to stop it.
My husband is so very understanding and loves me in spite of it all. I try not to burden him with thoughts and fears but there are times I just curl up by him on the bed and put my head in his lap. Just him slowly stroking my hair calms and centers me again. I feel protected and loved. We are raising our grandson who will be 10 years old in January. He’s been a handful and was just earlier this year diagnosed mild to moderate ADD. His mom (my daughter) has gotten her life straightened out and has been living with us for about a year now. She’s also ADD, but hers is more moderate to severe. They both have angry outbursts, etc., but they’re both improving greatly.
I rarely cook, never clean, can’t remember the last time I washed clothes. It’s all I can do to get out of bed some mornings.
I don’t even shower on the weekends. What a joke I am.
Sometimes I just don’t think I can keep going.