Make sure you accept the respite funding immediately – and then ask for more. The pediatrician is right: you must get a handle on your younger child’s behaviors, which seem to be on the extreme end. Jot down the professionals’ reactions – teachers, doctors, et al – to your child’s behaviors, and keep any correspondence from the professionals. Does the child see a therapist? If not, be sure that he starts, or gets on a waiting list. Residential care might be an option; ask the respite care funding agency about possible funding sources for residential care.
You have my sympathy, and is there any way you could avoid taking a second job?