Thank you as always for your advice and sorry its been so long since I responded. I am sadly in no better situation if anything its worse. My wifes anxiety and depression is so acute now that I am triggering it on a daily basis meaning we dont talk for days. It’s my lack of empathy (i dont get the context of things until its too late), distractibility and if I’m honest my struggle to cope with the constant negative criticism. I do my best to accept everything thrown at me but sometimes its gets a bit much. I know that I need to toughen up and deal with the way I am and what I have done. I think she does want things to work out but the list of problems and years and years of hurt is so hard for her to accept in anyway. And sadly accept that someone who supposedly loved you would do these things wittingly or unwittingly to her. I have thought of leaving for a while simply to give everyone a break but that will cause huge issues with my kids as the two neurotypical ones will place the blame firmly at the feet of the autistic/adhd one who has challenging behaviour. So I am damned if I stay and damned if I go. There is also little chance my wife will accept that my adhd is like diabetes given that it means I dont give her the basic things that a human relationship needs. My adhd and autism and the fact that I spent years undiagnosed covering up means that it all seems a little to late for me to have any form of relationship without unacceptable compromises. I feel very trapped tbh and would love to find a way through. I am also thinking of just confronting her and saying she needs to get treatment for her anxiety and depression and not expect it to go away if and when things change. THat I know is really hard for her to hear from me given what i’ve done and will cause a massive rift but its the responsible thing to do so I will risk it.
sorry for the diatribe but if I am honest I dont know who else to talk to.