For me, it’s often related to executive disfunction. I know when I need to get up in the morning. Yet, I lay there thinking, “I need to get up. I really should get up. Why am I closing my eyes? Why am I not moving my body? I need to get up. But I’m still tired and don’t want to…” And then I get to work half an hour late because I didn’t get out of bed. I know I need to clean my kitchen, I might even want to do it, but it’s not fun and I can’t convince myself to actually do it.
But sometimes it’s just stubbornness. It’s what other people have said: a desire for chaos, a dislike of being told what to do and a kneejerk reaction to do the opposite. It’s a desire for control over our own lives, which we might not always have. Why should I do something I don’t want to do? Maybe we don’t feel like we have a lot of control over our lives, because our minds cause that chaos? So we try to do things to control it, but that just makes it worse.
I’m still poking at this — I also fight depression and anxiety, and I was only recently diagnosed ADHD (inattentive) at 35, so I have a lot to unpack. But self-sabotage is something I struggle with constantly. It was nice to see this topic pop up, because it’s so nice to know I’m not alone.