Reply To: Does your ADD spouse full acknowledge the ADD?

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#126891
hayes
Participant

Phillipa

I’m with you here – except I’m the ADD husband! He really needs to own his behaviors when it comes to distraction etc. Some context – I was diagnosed 17 yrs ago @ age 35; married 27 yrs with 2 kids (21 & 18). We’ve been through a lot together. For a long time I just thought that my meds would ‘fix this ADD thing’ – when in reality it was the evil cousins of anxiety and shame that caused me to shut down (that was my usual response). It wasn’t til I found a solid therapeutic relationship that things started to get back to the relationship we had earlier (though there’s still work to do!).

We constantly live in fear of always letting down the ones we care about most. The problem is we never know when that will strike! Imagine living with that every day – the stress and shame get to be unbearable. And when you admittedly get short with him, it becomes another daily reminder of the myriad ways he/we let you down. Could your husband’s avoidance be connected to that, and then turns it on you? He really needs to find ways to recognize those and deal with them; it’s really hard – I can attest to that!

Sorry – the TV thing made me laugh! I’ve done that a million times over the years. I’m just grateful that we’re at a place where we can both laugh at it – even when calling out the behavior. We don’t intend to lose focus that quickly – it just happens! It’s important to find ways to remind us (we need to find ways, too!) when those things happen, as well as strategies for what to do when they happen. That’s what therapy does for me, anyway.

I wanted to give some insight ‘from the inside’, so to speak. I think your efforts at self-care are crucial – you need to take care of yourself! I’m grateful my wife has those outlets; being with us ADDers can be challenging. However, I like to think we are worth it. But we have to work just as hard those in our lives to manage that. I hope your husband can get to that point, and recognize that he has an amazing and willing partner! I’m lucky I came to recognize that before it was too late (and it almost was on 2 occasions). I wish you all the positive energy as you continue to walk this journey. I check these boards regularly, so I’ll check back…

CHRIS