I’m so sorry to hear about the distress and arguments in your household, communicating while navigating the oft higher emotional intensities that go along with adhd AND family relationships AND eating issues must have made the scenario very difficult for everyone!
Offering tips as requested 🙂
I think this might help a bit as a direction to explore to perhaps help with understanding your mum’s reactions:
If food is turned to for comfort it becomes such a vicious cycle when it goes hand in hand with upset about weight…which as we get older is not about looks so much/only but fears about health and more self blame etc…and any moment that the activity of ‘self-soothing’ by eating is interrupted or challenged or shamed in anyway, brings the whole volcano of emotions to the surface at once when we were already in the process of trying to ignore or overcome them because we couldn’t cope anyway.
I am going to also share that in this line:
‘She will then come back with something that I do, or something she doesn’t like about me. I guess she feels hurt, so she has to try and hurt me with something as if to prove a point.’
I sense that it is unlikely that she intentionally wants to try to ‘hurt you back’ but rather to connect the two of you as ‘the same’. Because one of our core primal needs is to belong, we attempt to point out where we are not very unlike others in our behaviour…if that can be agreed, we can go back to belonging to our tribe even with our faults.
The ongoing anger of failing to forgive oneself:
I know personally that When I am ‘angry’ and fighting back like that, or having to expend physical energy by banging doors etc…behind what feels most safe as anger I am full of terror and shame and want to be hugged and loved more than anything. That might be true for your mum and even you too 🙂
Words, sense of rejection, sense of isolation are processed in the brain the same way as physical pain – my gentlest tip would be to find ways to inspire by being gentle with your own communication which will help others feel safer and more accepted and you can ask the same of others more easily when offering it yourself. This has the wonderful knock on effect of helping people be gentle in the ways that they speak to themselves as well 🙂
Good luck with everything <3