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Based on your post, you seem to be pretty self aware. And you also mentioned that you dont like ti take directives unless you agree with them. I’d suggest that you take a bit of time to read more on this site. I am 41, diagnosed about a year ago and one of the most validating things I’ve found is reading articles that ive found by people who I’d swear are living my life (if this person has it, so do I). Before my diagnosis, I often felt isolated, knew I was different from other people but didnt know why. Getting the diagnosis and making the choice to educate myself was one of the best things I ever did.
If I’m honest, I likely wouldn’t have even graduated high school without pot. It was the only thing that slowed my racing thoughts enough to allow me to focus. I had trouble finding the right career but then I found a job with a lot of varied responsibilities and when I found it, I felt a lot more fulfilled and finally felt like I was bringing something important to my workplace.
If you truly have ADHD, the stimulants, in the right dose, wont make you high. When I started, I described it, I said I was “still me, only better”. It also helped me control my impulses and think before I acted (at least for a moment, but that makes a big difference).
If you received a diagnosis from a doc that you trust, try to trust then enough to at least try the meds and see how it goes. Like I said, if they get it right, you’ll know right away, if it doesn’t help, maybe talk to your partner about how you would like them to help you – before you even start (maybe by getting rid of any left over). You’ve suffered this long, you reached out for help, choosing not to try might end up being a choice not to succeed.
Good luck, I hope you find the solutions you are looking for 🙂