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I am in a similar boat in that my 7 year old seems to do well enough at school, but is really escalating at home. We’ve been told by our psychiatrist that since he only behaves this way with family, it isn’t ODD. But his behavior with us is so extreme — he is physically dangerous — punching, kicking, biting, scratching — and he destroys our home during his fits. I am at my wit’s end — this is no way to live, for any of us. We have appointments with both our counselor and our psychiatrist this week, and I will be raising the issue again.
In the end, there is no magic bullet even if it is ODD, so the question I am going to ask our doctors is, if it were ODD, what would we be doing differently? And then talk about whether that makes sense here even in the absence of a formal diagnosis. Or said differently, would there be any harm in proceeding as if there is an ODD diagnosis?
Best of luck to you. I know this is so, so rough.