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I’m sort of in the same boat minus drugs and alcohol. I have been referred to an adhd specialist here in the UK, finally after 25 years of trying every antidepressant going. I only took them for a few weeks as they made some of my symptoms worse.
I am on a “very long waiting list” , which is decanting as it means I can’t get the help that I need quickly enough.
Stimulant are my last chance at trying to fix my brain. I don’t know why I can’t get on with my life, everyday is difficult, due to the emotional ups and downs, moodswings, procrastination, excessive daydreaming, social anxiety, depression, I even talk to myself and pace all over the house. It’s hell and I seriously hope they can fix it. I’m 40 now and feel despair as I haven’t reached my full potential, I’m way behind my peers, socially, emotionally and professionally. I have so many qualifications which I can’t put to use because of all the symptoms.
I would say to you don’t worry about the diagnosis, it’s not your fault your Brain is like this, adhd is a neuro developmental disorder, It isn’t actually a psychiatric disorder. Speak to the specialist and see what your options are, if you don’t want to try meds then CBT might be helpful. If you are worried you might abuse the drug, tell them that,see how they can help. if you can find a support group in your area, get in touch with them, it’s easier to talk to people with the same problem.