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Hi. I agree that it “takes 2 to tango”. It’s sometimes hard to face up to. I think the advice of simply not giving them the ammunition to use against you is very smart.
I don’t have such a terrible situation but I think I still do idealize my parents and they still consistently disappoint.
I think what we all have to realize is that it’s not us. It’s their problem. They had it before you were born and you didn’t cause it.
And sometimes the child has to be the adult in the relationship and not let that hurt stop you from doing the right thing.
If that right thing is to not react but to still show compassion and kindness in the face of infantilizing belittling parents who live their lives without awareness, then that’s a very mature and ethical choice.
If you simply cannot stand it and it is too damaging then it is within your human rights to leave.
From what you said it sounds like leaving would be a smart move. Of course we can’t always do that but you can “leave” emotionally. Just don’t engage and passively allow them to play out their drama without your input.
Unfortunately they know exactly how to push your buttons. Pay attention to the feelings they are bringing us in you and stop the reaction.
so you may have to go for a walk and or lock yourself in the bathroom for a while to break the chain. Breathe your way through it and realize that you have nothing to do with it really. You’re an innocent bystander.
For me that was freeing because now I know it isn’t my fault I can let go of the guilt and stop trying to fix it. Only they can fix it and we al know that’s not happening.
So you do what you need to do to protect yourself. You have worth and value beyond them.