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Hey man, sorry to hear you’re feeling that way. One thing I can say is to rectify and explain it now. The same sort of situation happened to me long ago. I was so ashamed that I began avoiding family functions altogether. After finally having a heart to heart with a cousin of mine, I realized that nobody was upset about it… They just missed me at these events the same way that I missed them. I can’t reverse time and spend it with those that are no longer here, but maybe I can help you to avoid something like this.
Good luck to you!