Reply To: Feeling overwhelmed by my spouse's ADHD

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As far as moralizing and abusing–yes, I do feel great regret at my judging him by my own standards, and my inability to cope.

But don’t you think we’re being abused too? Doing all the housework, cooking, and household paperwork, finally hiring tradesmen to do what our loved one promised many times to do “tomorrow,” going to events by ourselves because he got distracted at the last minute, being denied sex for months on end. . . .

And being stymied in our attempts to hold it all together. It’s impossible to be realistic about anything because he keeps saying he WILL do this or that. So you just give up and become cynical.

He was a truly lovely person without a mean bone in his body, and a brilliant conversationalist. I miss him very much, but I had to leave for my own sanity.

I wish I had known about ADHD from the start. There is a lot of information out there about the ADHD brain, and many resources for non-ADHD partners. The person with ADHD should be willing to change a few things too, which is not always the case.

However, I don’t know if we ever could have made it. Near the end he told me he needs “kink” in order to enjoy sex, because vanilla sex can’t hold his attention for long enough to complete the act. Major incompatibility there!

And we had quite different ideas of what makes a happy home. I prefer peace and privacy, whereas he wants lots of people around.