Reply To: Feeling overwhelmed by my spouse's ADHD

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I hear you completely. I have been married to my husband for almost 25 years. He was diagnosed with Inattentive Adult ADD seven years ago, and still hasn’t gotten a handle on it. I am at my wits end. I hear everything you’re saying. He is a nice man, but in some ways he doesn’t want to acknowledge that his brain doesn’t work like other’s do. Early on he would say to me, I’ve been this way all my life. I don’t have a problem with it. You have the problem. I’m happy with the way I am. I have to say he does go to work and does his job well, but they get the best of him. I get the leftovers, and that is not fair. I’ve seen a very good therapist through the years, and she has told me it will never be fair to me as long as I’m in this relationship. It is not his fault he has ADD, but it is his fault if he chooses not to do something about it. My husband is seeing a phenomenal therapist. Every word out of this man’s mouth is gold. I even was invited to attend a session. My husband can’t get out of his own head. He has spent his life assessing everything, but never gets it out of his head and onto paper or into the real world. He takes medication. He doesn’t want to do anything but sit and watch TV when he’s home. I have to push to go out. I handle our lives, and I have come to resent it. He lives in a life I take care, rent free, and I am just exhausted. I pay all the bills, do the cleaning, the groceries, the cooking, deal with the house, with any contractor that has to come here, with any thing at all that has to happen in our lives. I can’t make him understand how exhausting and unfair this is. As you said, intimacy is a real issue, and has been for a lot of the marriage. We have been to counseling together. In the beginning he was all over me, but through the years sex has been a constant battle. It is almost non existent, and he knows this is not okay with me, but he still does nothing about it. This has been a battle ground for the bulk of the marriage. It makes you feel unloved and unwanted. He wants change, but does nothing to achieve that. I hear you and I hope some part of this helps.