I feel lonely now-I did not do so pre-diagnoses (I have Autism and ADD) I keep trying to engage with people but I have no real idea how to and most chat’s end with the other party slowly but most certainly backing away leaving me wondering what the hell I could have said to cause their discomfiture. I have always had this problem and it looks as if it will be with me until the end.
I still cling on to the hope that my new found self-knowledge will eventually help me to understand other people and how to get on with them-jeez, I just want to live a little and be able to enjoy life a bit more like Neurotypicals seem to do with such ease.
It is a challenge but I have to stick at it because this train crash of a life is the only one I am ever going to experience so I simply MUST learn how to change it for the better.
My two adult daughters ( from a marriage which ended mostly because I caused my wife great unhappiness-I hasten to add that I was never an abusive husband-I just kept on screwing up and it got too much for her) worry about me a lot I have just realised that one of the things they both want out of life the most is to see me find some contentment and peace of mind. I had hoped that they would have cultivated a measure of detachment from me as they both have busy, professional lives but I have found out from their dear Mother ( with zero recriminations ) that I am a major source of anxiety .
This is to me an even more pressing reason to make some breakthrough’s, they are wonderful human beings and I hate doing this to them so I will keep on battling away, I just hope that my continued willingness to put myself out there despite my failure rate will bring them some comfort because I’d hate them to think that I had lost my will to fight-however improbable the odd’s for success may be.