Reply To: Feeling overwhelmed by my spouse's ADHD

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mzyuder – I felt like I was reading my own life when I read your post! I’m sorry that you’re in that situation, and I can relate 100%, except that I only work part-time and still find my responsibilities overwhelming. I can’t imagine doing all of that and working full time.

For me, it’s just stopped being optional for him “not to notice” what needs to get done, or for me to make things fun for him. We have a joint calendar, but I’m the only one who puts anything on it and he doesn’t look at it. Every time I brought that up, he’d claim he did look at it, but then somehow he still didn’t know anything that was going on that week, where the kids needed to be, what days I was working, etc. But if I bring things up or ask him to do anything, I’m “micromanaging”. A week ago I created a reminder list for all household responsibilities, because like you, I do a TON of stuff that he never sees, so then he always seems to resent me when I’m sitting down for a minute and he “has” to do dishes. The reminder list has made that stuff more visible. I put everything I do on it, like bills, meal planning, shopping, cleaning, and the list has 34 items. Just having that in writing made me feel better, and he actually did a couple of them for the first time in our 10 year relationship without me asking. (It’s pathetic that that’s the case, but I feel like the reminder worked.) He also wants a lot of praise whenever he does anything, which also makes me really annoyed and resentful, but at least he did it. I thought of making a trophy for vacuuming.

I also feel completely no attraction to my husband. I have a lot of guilt about it, but he does act like a child, and if I was attracted to that, I’d be a sick person. So I try not to blame myself.

I just relate so much, and the feeling of being let down by someone who you thought would make your life easier – or at least supported – is so hard. My husband wants to look at a nicer house today, and I just told him to cancel our viewing, because I found a bunch of unexpected charges he made on our account and credit card. (Two days after we went over the budget and he agreed to stop making purchases that don’t fit in the budget.) I just feel like any plan I make is sabotaged, and he sees me as the “taskmaster”, like you say, instead of realizing that these are normal, adult responsibilities that everyone either has, or neglects and then gets into trouble.

That was a rant, but I really felt everything you said, and today was a frustrating morning. He was almost late bringing our son to camp, and when I told him I don’t like having to tell him every step of getting ready in the morning when he’s supposed to be responsible for our son today (I’m watching our daughter), he got mad and said “Why not? You’re here, aren’t you?” Like it was too much to ask him to get one child ready on his own. (But if I did remind him every step of the way, I’d be micromanaging.) I can’t win!