Sorry to hear that things haven’t improved. It’s a difficult thing for sure. One thing that potentially helps is that with a diagnosis and medication, maybe she can eventually shift her thinking to viewing this as a medical condition, and remove some of the blame from the situation. If you were diabetic, she wouldn’t blame you for being irritable or unreasonable when you go into a low blood sugar episode. She’d view it as something outside of your ability to control, and she’d get you some sugar to bring you back to yourself. So, maybe instead of couple’s counseling, you could ask her to come with you to your ADHD/Asperger’s counseling. If she doesn’t view your problems as a couple’s problem, but a YOU problem, this might reframe counseling in a way that is more appealing to her. Just a thought.
My husband and I have done both couple’s counseling and ADHD counseling for him, that I participated in. One of the things that was beneficial for me was to learn what kinds of things the counselor was recommending to him, and learning how to take a role in encouraging/reminding him to come back around to those strategies when he would get off track. For example, he sometimes over economizes on words when he says things, meaning, there’s a whole thought behind what he’s saying, but what comes out of his mouth is like shorthand, he doesn’t voice the whole thought, so what he says can seem short, or cold. We decided we’d borrow a technique used by couples who engage in “creative” sex play, and create a “safe word”. That allowed me a way to tell him “you’re doing it again”, BEFORE things escalated into an argument, or before I got angry and exasperated with him. And for him it served as a signal, to give him a chance to think about what he had said, and back up and try to state things differently.
Good luck to you, I wish you the best. Don’t let yourself get mired in the shame and blame game.