Reply To: Feeling overwhelmed by my spouse's ADHD

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Hi all,
I feel like I could have written the first post. I have been with my husband 8 years, married for 6 and we have two little kids. It is really hard being married to someone with ADHD-inattentive. I work full time, manage all our bills, organize child care, birthday parties, field trips, family vacations, groceries, laundry, cleaning, car maintenance etc. and it is so overwhelming. I sometimes wonder what it would feel like to parent with someone who contributed to our household. My husband is really fun and funny, and an engaged father to our two boys; However, when he is battling his demons, which is often, he can come across short and rude to me and our kids. Financially we struggle as he was virtually unemployed for the first 6 years of our relationship-he was trying to build his own business and would occasionally bring in $, but it was inconsistent and lean. He often gets frustrated with our financial position or our inability to purchase nice things, go out etc, but won’t make a budget with me or see a planner, despite my making many efforts over the years. I sometimes look around our rental home and with the exception of the television, everything else was, in one way or another, acquired by me. It is very difficult and frustrating and I struggle all the time with balancing my life. He rarely asks me about my day or my courses that I am taking, and I often hide the “tasks” that I do be completing them all before he gets home. He doesn’t like it when I clean or organize in his presence, so I try and fit it all in before he gets home. When I ask for help or try to shift some of the household responsibilities to him (grocery shopping, meal prep, cooking, dishes, cleaning, laundry, recycling, compost etc), he pushes back calling me a task-master and a nag. I have tried making charts, using apps, creating “fun” pinteresty-to-do lists, but it never sticks, and I am constantly feeling like I manage two kids, a household and a man-child. As a result, it is not attractive and find myself avoiding intimacy, which is frustrating for him, because he is interested and wants that. He has finally found a job that he is happy and excited about for which I am grateful, but all the rest of the household stuff, it exhausting for me.

Is this what the rest of my life will be? Has anyone had any success with having their ADHD partners contribute to their household in a more balanced way?

I envisioned my partner and I working together to paint a bedroom, or do some minor home renos, or make meals together, but he has no interest in any sort of ‘project’ that he perceives as a ‘task’. I love doing projects and enjoy the process, so I just do these things on my own, but this is not how I imagined my life partnership to be. Sigh.