Reply To: Metaphor: Wanting a Garden Without Nurturing It

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“He wants to focus on his work and hang out with friends, forget to feed the dogs, forget to put money into our bank account, forget to talk to me, forget to check the car’s fluid levels, etc.,”

Trust me, as someone who struggles with the the impairments in cognitive function that ADHD brings, including executive function deficits, no one with ADHD “wants” to do all those things. I don’t deny that I do forget a lot, making it seem like I don’t care; but I do. I care a lot. But, as frustrating as that can be for my long-suffering wife, I am doubly frustrated by the fact that I have to continually apologize for letting her down in some way.

WarmMuddle I’m not trying to make excuses for your husband. I would just like you to understand that he may forget all the things you mention, but I doubt it’s because he wants to.

I can definitely identify with what Chris says about the shame and self-deprecation that comes from disappointing and letting down my wife because I either forgot something or I made a decision impulsively that had a negative outcome. When that happens I have to struggle to not let my emotions get the best of me.

I know, for myself, the best way for my wife to approach me about something I’ve done/not done is to tell me how it makes her feel. Finger pointing and angry words are a sure way to make me respond with my own anger or to shut down altogether (my most common response). What I’m saying is that when speaking to someone with ADHD you need to bear in mind that they may not have a good grip on their emotions. Conversations need to be approached in a way that tells the person how you feel about something. “When you do _______, I feel _____.”

For anyone who wants to understand the range of impairments, their possible causes and coping strategies, I recommend checking out a YouTube channel called HowToADHD. There are about 100 videos about a whole range of ADHD topics. I’ve learned a lot that way.

I’m sorry if this post seems to ramble or be a little aggressive, but, hey, <points to self> ADHD.

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by socknoggle.