Warm Muddle –
I’m the ADD spouse, and I agree with you here! Rules/boundaries (tomato/tomahto) – both set clear standards or expectations that should be met. If I can offer one thing – start with the statement you list as a boundary first, and finish with your rule. My wife will do that with me; so “it’s hard for me to sleep thinking the door is unlocked, so please lock it before you go to bed?” It allows your feeling to be voiced first, then sets the expectation/rule to be followed.
As for the issue with co-workers, I feel for you. Spouse/family relationships should always come first. There might be something more going on there than just ADD (fear of reprisal/RSD; toxic work environment, etc.), that ADD might exacerbate it. But I wanted you to hear from ‘the other side’ that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with rules (as a HS teacher, I can’t function without them!)… CHRIS