Reply To: Son 22, never had a job and living with enabling mom

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Danyosaur
Participant

hey, i doubt this will help but – im 25 Add/adhd diagnosed last year. i pretty much got kicked out of high school lol but i made it through college and university pre diagnosis (University was a god damn struggle though) i managed to socialise but i did withdraw a lot and play games because social stuff does something to me that i still cant really explain. i made friends people liked me but i find it hard to feel that “connection” and maintain friendships.

My mum is the exact same kind of enabler, although im really aware of it, and fight back at least a little. i have had a couple of jobs and for extended periods of time, but ill be honest its rough, i dont know to what degree your son is functioning socially etc. but i find it so incredibly hard to look for new work, and maintain working at a place that doesn’t fit.

– This part is all me now, so im not going to say “for me/ i feel” every time lol. in the hopes that you might be able to extract something from it ~ I tend to go on tangents, and my grammar sucks. i apologize in advance.

I know its not the same, but depending of the games hes plays, the people he talks to, he is probably social to a certain degree online ( i realize its not the same…) I struggle with the thought of working in new places with new people, Because maintaining composure and not letting my adhd get the better of me. its scary, and am fairly well socialized and have had jobs before, we are unpredictable.

I imagine hes ****ing terrified to be honest ( but i dont know him of course) and so hes hyper focusing on anything that distracts him?
(sorry im jumping about alot)
The only reason i made it through college without to much issue, is because we made an agreement that i would stay at my aunts during term time. ROUTINE is so important, jumping between houses ( like i did) when i was younger, it resets the things like habbits (good and bad)

I cant deal with people who are to confrontational, however. you might be able to atleast get some time to talk things out OR get him to do somthing more social if you appeal to his intrest/s so like, i dont want to do alot… i just cant stomach it. eg if someone asked me to go to dinner 😉 lol sorry. id hate the idea of it. but if someone said “hey, i seen an add for this rock climbing/snowboarding place/ gaming convention/ comic convention”at the verry least, id like the idea of it, and thats a start. if you can express and ideas to him somehow, in a way that he does not feel like he is under attack some of it will go over his head, but one idea might stick around, or come back. cuz, hes guna forget some of it, but fortunately theres a good chance if he has any sort of interest in something suggested to him, he might warm up to the idea in his own time.

i understand how much time is indeed a factor, but i cant express enough how important it is that if his mother is enabling him, you cant be the bad guy (in my opinion) if he associates you with stress and getting forced into uncomfortable situations, hes just guna recede back into his “safe space”

(contemplating weather i should hit submit, cuz at this point i feel pretty stupid and im just talking about myself online lol.)

“I feel way younger than everyone my age, hell people younger than me appear more competent and function in every single way.”
and i feel like im slowly “growing up” But im still behind… and that’s rough.

At the very least, if you keep at it. and make sure youre not the “bad guy” eventually, as he matures further he’ll reach out to you, and i obviously dont mean letting him off with everything. there is a line. i read somewhere “we need to be held more accountable for our actions than neurotically people” But for me, to much confrontation will just push me away, try to find more stuff you can both enjoy maybe – okay i could ramble forever lol.

I really hope you can get at least something from this, isolation + enabling is rough. still trying get my self back on my feet too, It’s just a long painfull process.

Good luck, take care.
-Dan+