Reply To: Metaphor: Wanting a Garden Without Nurturing It

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Hi Chris,

I would never want to come across as suggesting that someone isn’t worth it just because they have ADHD, so I hope it didn’t come across that way! I’m just stuck and have been stuck for a long time, because I can’t get my partner to make more of an effort, and it’s hard to tell at what point I just can’t keep going. I can’t do it all, and nothing I say seems to make any difference.

The difficulty I have with suggestions like making a calendar together, or holding my husband to task for the things he says he’ll do, is that both of those things make him avoidant or angry. He’ll either avoid the conversation altogether, not contribute when I ask him if a plan sounds okay or what he wants to add to it, then just go and do his own thing. We share an online calendar because he said that would help him, but currently I’m the only one who puts anything on it (my stuff and the kids stuff). He doesn’t add anything, and I doubt he looks at it. If we agree to a plan together, he often just doesn’t do the things he was supposed to, and if I bring it up – guess what – I get the anger again. So I just feel trapped. If I try to help him plan, I’m “micromanaging”, if I hold him to task, I’m the bad guy.

He’s on meds, but I honestly didn’t notice much of a difference. I’ve asked him to go to a doctor who specializes in ADHD, but he hasn’t. I think a lot of it is behavioural, and while he says he’s willing to go to counselling or coaching, he doesn’t go often enough or can’t follow through on the advice. I got our son accepted to a coaching program, and the coach is willing and able to work with my husband as well, but in the 6 months we’ve been connected with him, my husband has seen him once. He wrote down but didn’t follow up on the coach’s advice.

I can’t force these things, but I think our relationship depends on them, so it’s hard to know what to do now. I do think a relationship CAN work where one or both partners has ADHD, but only if that partner is self aware and willing to work (and not get angry at their partner when they suggest help.)

I appreciate your perspective, but my husband doesn’t have the insight and awareness that you do. I really wish he did! It’s nice to hear that it’s possible though, so I feel more hopeful that my son who has ADHD will have that insight and learn better coping and cooperation skills than my husband did.

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by leftie22.