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I found myself doing everything in our household too, but I managed to turn some things over to my boyfriend. Making lists and discussing things simply didn’t work. I had to decide for myself and then let him know I wasn’t going to do this or that any more.
My main advice to you would be to stop doing things that she can do for herself.
For example, she can probably do her own laundry and figure out her own lunch. She might have to wear dirty clothes to work once òr twice, or not eat the perfect lunch, but we’ve ALL screwed up from time to time and managed to survive and figure things out. I believe your wife can too.
Some things might be a bit trickier. For example, if you insist that she drive herself to work every day, it might be too confusing if you make exceptions on certain days. Better to be consistent.
You might want to make her dinner most days, since you’re already cooking for yourself and your daughter, and eating together as a family might be important to you. But if she eats different foods or eats at a different time, you could consider not cooking her dinner.
People who work from home, as you do (and I used to), need to take our work schedules seriously. We are not housewives or househusbands or slackers who “might as well do it” because we’re “home all day anyway” or because we don’t punch a time clock.
Also, beware of getting sucked into any new projects. If she wants to have a garden or a pet, or take a night class, or have the kitchen renovated, make it clear that this is her project and you can’t become involved. No, sorry, I can’t water the tomatoes or walk the dog or call the contractor, etc., etc. You want it, you figure it out.
This is what worked for me. No need for negotiations or long discussions. Decide your own boundaries and simply say “I can’t do x any more” or “No, sorry.”
We did consider hiring a house cleaner, and we were both willing to contribute to the cost, but in our case it didn’t work out. I have some experience with household help, and sometimes it really is easier to do it yourself.