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I do empathize with you. Currently, you are doing the lion’s share of running the household and your frustration and resentment are understandable. It’s important to address the situation as resentment only grows, from my observations.
You don’t mention income or number of working hours you both put in. If you work fewer hours and earn less this could have a bearing on the situation. On the other hand, if you both earn the same amount and do similar work hours not so much….
I suggest you crunch these numbers and see side by side who is putting in the most working hours – yours includes the time it takes to be a taxi driver and managing household chores. And how much who puts into your joint kitty? This will give you tangible data on which to base a discussion of fair division of labour moving forward.
And if you can afford it consider outsourcing some of the jobs; remember just because you can do something….doesn’t mean you have to : )
Some general feedback in response to your bullet-pointed list
• Diet is super important for those with ADHD to be able to manage this syndrome well. Sugary laden, carby food the worst. I suggest small meals – all with protein. Lots of fruit and veg. And small snacks in between meals. PROTEIN in all meals and snacks. EG B’fast a quick healthy protein shake (fresh spinach and a scoop of sugar-free whey protein powder, banana, berries plus water or coconut water) – prep night before and leave in fridge; just push button in the morning. Lunch chicken salad. Dinner Salmon steak and veg; fruit for dessert. Snacks can be bagged up ahead and kept in fridge. Try 1 string cheese and apple, handful of nuts, hardboiled egg, peanut butter on celery stick.
• Sweet high carb no protein foods like doughnuts about the worst thing – sugar seems to do a huge number on the ADHD brain; remember simple carbs turn to sugar also. Caffeine can be useful for some. But water needed for all…..the brain uses a huge amount to function. Hydrate all the time…
• I think it’s important for kids to learn early to be responsible and contribute to running the family home; so assuming your daughter is old enough teach her to prep her own lunch and pop in fridge and get her breakfast set up the night before.
• Your wife is old enough to do the same thing. Perhaps if they do this together, they can be accountable to each other? Make it a game??
• Suggest you make an appt to have a meeting about household chores. Again if your daughter is old enough, she should participate. You make a list of all that needs to be done to have a fully functioning, tidy and relaxing home. Decide who does what best e.g. cooking, shopping, cleaning etc and divvy up the jobs. Plan what days jobs will be done and by whom, and make a spreadsheet of same. Put on the fridge. If you have a healthy income consider outsourcing some of the jobs to take the load off the family?
• Have another meeting with your wife – make a specific time and day to do this. And discuss how to get more romance into your lives. And plan a trip or two to look forward to….see below re exercise.
• Your wife needs to set an alarm for herself and get herself up; use an alarm on cell phone if loud enough or suggest getting a very loud and obnoxious alarm clock. Set and position either far from the bed….once up she probably will stay up.
• Currently, you are parenting both your wife and daughter…. It’s a passion killer. If your wife would like you to be more romantic, she needs to stop treating you like you are her dad and she a child!!! Sounds harsh….but it’s the reality. Her choice….
• She needs to know which days she will take the car, on a regular basis, so you can plan your day and she knows the night before she will be driving to work in the morning. Decide together. Make it structured….she needs that. And don’t cave if she is running late….if she runs late then she should bear the consequences, not you. Again, you are not her parent. And without any consequences, she is unlikely to start managing her time better…
• And what seems to be missing in your overview is exercise! Exercise is a GREAT way to manage ADHD. It not only gives you energy, helps you sleep much better and burns off cortisol – a stress hormone that is likely coursing through your wife’s veins. But it obviously keeps you physically and mentally fitter. You could start small by suggesting going for a romantic walk in the evening. Make it fun. Maybe hold hands to reconnect romantically. AND walking side by side – shoulder to shoulder – is a great time and way to chat to each other. The kinesthesia of movement will help her focus better and make discussions easier. But mostly have fun and enjoy the fresh air and company.
• And last but not least your wife needs to manage her sleeping habits better and on a consistent basis. Many folks with ADHD have trouble getting to sleep but without enough good quality zzzz’s the day starts off badly, and often snowballs from there. ADDitude has a ton of info on how to improve the situation. Read up on how to manage this aspect of your lives better.
• I think with more structure around who does what. A better diet, regular exercise to lessen stress and some fun future plans coming up your lives could be much happier and healthier….but you need to work on it as a family unit.
• AND take it one step at a time. Don’t try to change everything overnight…. choose what will give you the biggest bang for your buck and start there. Suggest diet and exercise primo. And keep track of progress and organize/introduce new strategies as you move forward…maybe set up weekly meetings to see how you are progressing? If your wife enjoys researching on the computer, she could find some fun holiday trips which you can book and look forward to. Perhaps as a reward after x weeks of progress??
The good news is you love each other. That is a great foundation on which you can make changes and build a future with structure, strength and purpose
Best of luck…cheers, Lindsay