Reply To: My Adhd alcoholic spouse is a walking time bomb

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#116662
mcancro
Participant

Your situation sounds rather similar to mine. I was in a 7 year relationship with a functioning alcoholic who can drink that many beers a day on the weekend and still go to work on Monday. I have been to Al-Anon but in my opinion they are like the blind leading the blind, however, it is a nice way to meet good people that are going through the same thing you are. Fortunately, I somehow learned from a professional counsellor to alcoholics that there is something called “alcoholic amnesia” and a “dry drunk” which helped me understand the situation a little better. I was also sleep deprived and verbally abused when he was up all night drinking beer with his tenant/drinking buddy and blasting his stereo in the living room til 3am knowing that I had to open up shop at 8am.
The best thing that happened to me was getting out of the house into my own house. I agree that it is not the easiest thing to do for many people in similar situations and it wasn’t easy for me either even though I already had my own fully furnished house to go to which was only a few doors away from his when I met him. To complicate matters, he caught me having an affair with one of my sub-contractors and ended up throwing all my stuff out the front door into the snow while calling me horrible names. Not fun. He claims that he didn’t think there was a problem between us and that all I had to do was sit down and tell him that I was not happy with the relationship and wanted to break up or that I needed more time and space to myself and that he would have understood. Who knows if that is true. Maybe you can try that yourself.
The point is that you need to get out and you need to change your phone number so that he cannot blow up your phone with nasty text messages that will elevate your blood pressure, keep you up at night and give you a heart attack. You don’t need the added stress. If you both need to talk, you should do it with the help of a counsellor. I did come to realize that one of his particular problems was that he fit the classic textbook description of a narcisitic personality disorder. Because, after all the grief, we are actually still friends and I was able to point out that discovery to him one day and a few weeks later, he got curious and looked up the definition and actually admitted that he agreed with me. In fact, he actually admitted that he probably did need to seek some professional counselling. I gave him the name and phone number of a good counsellor but he still hasn’t picked up the phone to call him.
If you need help getting out perhaps you can try calling your nearest AWARE Shelter and Legal Services. You can also start house hunting through Zillow, Facebook Marketplace, Trulia and Craigslist. Plus there are boat loads of work-from-home jobs you can find online (try Indeed.com) or you can go thru a personnel agency like RobertHalf. Open up a separate bank account and have the money directly deposited into that account and/or start a PayPal account. Open up a PO Box at the Post Office and forward all your mail to it. Change all your passwords on your online accounts that he may be able to access and block him from your social media. Hire a lawyer, if necessary, and let him know that he can communicate to you through your lawyer. If you rent a U-Haul truck, you can also hire movers at the same time that you make the reservation. You can either find a fully furnished space or order furniture online and have it delivered to your new home. I recommend the mattress in a box and a box spring alternative bed frame from Walmart or at least an air mattress. You can also try a long-term stay hotel like the Comfort Inn as a temporary solution. Put all your favorite recipes on notecards or print them out or save them to the cloud and leave him copies of his favorite recipes and favorite photos, eBooks, music, etc. with him. Most important, back up all your personal data to the cloud and then take it off your shared computer and handheld devices.
And it is better to get out before starting a relationship with another man. The problem with having an affair is that he ended up obsessing over the affair as a way of avoiding focusing on his own role in the demise of our relationship. Plus it put my new beau’s life in jeapardy as well as mine. Perhaps you can find some female friends to help you make the transition. Best of luck and I will pray for your safety.