Reply To: Outbursts of Anger


I am a terrific husband and father. I married my stunning wife 18 years ago and slowly realised she had mental problems. Then our kids were diagnosed with Aspergers, but with many grey overlap areas with autism and ADHD, and anyway diagnosis of wife would not help, because she is in acute DENIAL. You already realised that saying NOTHING to unfounded attacks is the best, and even leave the room, or house. Do the garden! You have to do that VERY QUICKLY or her tantrum will turn into a full-blown meltdown, with violence, screaming, shouting, kicking, pulling hair and even calling police. They are totally out-of-control at that point. Later that day, when she looks calm, do not believe it. That will need up to 24 hours. Asperger’s women are self-confessed liars. Try to forgive that, because it would be punishing her for being ill. But my main point here is this: when in a meltdown, my wife tells me horrific things she did, including cheating, sex, stealing and now I am sure those confessions are all untrue. But is she lying? If I ask her about them a few days later, she denies the whole episode. Was she lying to hurt me? Or was it true? Did she really not remember saying it? I am still working on that, but my best bet would be that she said it when out-of-control, to hurt me, with a pack of lies that she really could not remember saying. What does anybody else think of that? Boys start to show subtle symptoms at 3, but girls at 10. That is vital information. What are the first signs? Incapable of interaction, so never answer register at school, never eat, drink, play, wee, poo, listen, reply, read or write in school. Just freeze. Second signs ….. as part of that inability to interact, never say the following words, even when invited: hello, goodbye, please, thank you, are you OK, how are you and SORRY. Third signs are weakness in “open-ended” questions in school. So “what is 7 times 9?” easy …. 63. But for “How would you teach somebody their times-tables?” would give you “What do you mean?” so English Language, English Literature, History are very hard. Later, you will see great sensitivity to light, sound, smell, texture, but also a variety of “special skills”. My boy does jigsaws face-down and twisted metal puzzles behind his back. So I took my son out of school from 8 to 15, and home-schooled him myself. During that time, I brought in loads of young kids, to help him to mix and chat. That helped but only slowly. Girls are better than boys in that role as friends. Unlike most parents, I pushed him to chat online and text. With great trepidation, I finally put him back into normal school at 15, expecting tears and a phone call, but he loved it, and after 4 months, they made him a senior prefect, and now he is top or second in all 9 subjects, although I fear Shakespeare is a waste of time, and neither he nor I will benefit from that, unless we get a boyfriend called Romeo or girlfriend called Juliet! None of my family has ever had a real friend, and refuse to have one. Very sad. They all stay in different rooms all day and night every day at home. Last month, my wife abandoned us all for the 20th time and took a separate apartment somewhere several miles away. Why? I held both her hands and asked to talk to her about our problems, stroked her head and spoke gently just a few words. One minute later, she was gone, and I was wiping my blood off the door and carpet. She has been away from us for 6 of the last 12 years, but swears she never left us. I got referred to a psychiatrist for my son, as he had deep depressions sometimes. BBC News often has stories about the length of waiting lists for that. A month later, the psychiatrist called me, instantly refused to meet my son, then abused me savagely, accused me of several things he just invented, diagnosed ME as being crazy, without ever having met me, told me I was the complete cause and cut me off. He then sent those accusations to my G.P. doctor. He never knew that I am also a doctor. So who is the best person to help your wife or kids? YOU! Nobody else will know them well enough, or even care much. Talk to other people for ideas, learn what to do and not-do, and be proud of yourself. I am in Preston, happy to chat or meet others. Email is OK, but not sure if it is allowed.