Wow, I could have written this myself (thank you for writing it!). Terrible to say but I find comfort in knowing I am not the only one experiencing this. My husband has ADHD and has been medicated most of his life. He gets bent/annoyed/frustrated easily. I don’t know what exactly the trigger is, I’ve tried to ask him but I still don’t have an answer. He gets sooo annoyed and impatient when I try to revisit an argument we had or discuss a frustrating conversation. He either gets annoyed and defensive or skulks away to his man cave, never to be heard from. If something or someone is wrong in his eyes, there is no convincing him otherwise. He too interprets things said to him, or even benign comments, as him being XYZ (something that triggers him). So, I end up NOT talking to him about our relationship because it’s like walking through a field of landmines and that only builds anger and resentment.
The problem I see is that I don’t think he’s ever addressed his ADHD shortcomings and definitely hasn’t found tools that seems to work for him. He knows his follow-up is crap, so why doesn’t he do something about it!?! Ego? Pride? Ignorance? Laziness? I can’t do that for him. I too have ADD and am very proactive in my symptom management. I am high functioning, very detail-oriented person and feel like I have to be the worrier, planner, responsible, organizer, financial planner and parent in his relationship. I know I don’t HAVE to do these things but if I don’t, his lack of follow-through, little concern and anger (and self-pity?) will bring down our ship.
We’ve been to couples counseling and I too feel like I get the focused-in on in the sessions! I take notes and try to use the tools we were given, but again, it takes two to work on our problems. This is a cycle that we have been going through for years and maybe we need more counseling to nip it in the bud better, but I want off this merry-go-round. I’m the one doing the reading, researching, accommodating and making the appts and he just seems to go along for the ride. Like you, I feel carry the emotional load and it’s too much.