Hi, thanks for having the courage to share with us.
I’m 58 now, but your situation sounds just like my childhood. Although times were different it’s now extremely clear both my parents and I (and probably my sister) would score a full 100% on any ADHD test in existence. Mum was a charming individual with private outbursts of rage and irrational demands.
I’m estranged from my parents now, mostly because my father completely yielded to my mother’s irrational behaviour. He never stood up for us, “she’s your mother so she’s right”.
So if you are reaching out to us and supporting your kids, you’re doing ok.
As I learnt the family stories, it became clear my mother’s issues were not with ADHD. It didn’t help of course, but the anger issues were separate. Other posters have suggested similar. She probably needs professional support. You are her husband, not her psychiatrist, so focus on keeping the kids strong and loved.
It turned out my mother probably has undiagnosed post-natal depression as well as a lot of unresolved stuff from her own abusive past. It’s a real mess, which she secretly nurtures to this day, having aggressively attacked every offer of support.
Watch your health, love your kids, stay strong.