Reading OP post, I swear it was my husband writing it, until I got to the part about kids, lol.
That anger, that rage, it’s something I always struggled with privately, even as a child. I just assumed something was wrong with me, maybe I was secretly a monster; at least that’s what it felt like, and sometimes it still feels that way. My husband is probably the kindest man in the world, but the strangest things, little things he did would randomly send me into a hysterical rage filled screamfest. The crock pot wasnt turned from high to low, and it’s like I felt this itch, a scratching in me, like this shift. And I know what’s coming next… As I wanted to go on a verbal tirade about how stupid, lazy or incompetent my hubs was, I was able to think “why do I feel so irritated by this? This doesn’t make sense, I know it isnt a big deal, but I cannot shake this awful irritation feeling.” This would go on, and sometimes I could stomach the rage, other times I couldn’t. I did make a point to stop name calling, which sounds easier than it is for some reason. But it’s usually “you dont effing care about me or the home or the pets, blah blah” *with screams*
Adderall xr fixed this with me, so well and easily I was shocked. I cried when I realized my life could have been so much easier and happier if I had just gotten treatment earlier. Now I’ve yelled at my husband maybe 2x in 3 months instead of 2x a week.
I can’t speak for your wife, but personally, after those rages, I felt like the biggest piece of you know what, like I’m this evil scum of the earth monster who doesn’t deserve to be loved. Love me? After my screamfests? How could anyone ever love me? The guilt is astounding, a deep dark pit where your just alone with your shame and embarrassment. It made me so depressed and it made me hate myself. It’s like I love this man, I truly do, I don’t want to hurt him, but it’s literally like you cant stop yourself. It’s like I feel myself getting mad and the rational brain is shouting “stop stop, let it go” and the add brain is saying “eh I’m bored let’s spice things up, I need my stimulation.” I don’t consciously make the decision to freak out, its like an impulse or a sneeze.
I just can’t imagine what it’s like living with a person like me, all I can think is ‘wow that must suck, I wouldn’t want to be with me, why does he?” I’m just glad I’m treated now, and our relationship has definitely improved.
The one thing I’m terrified of is having children. I am so scared that I’ll do it to them too, and I don’t know if I would be able to cope with the guilt if I did. I want to be a nice, loving wife and some day mother, but this dam add really complicated things.
All the best, try to get meds if you guys haven’t, but just try to remember that she probably feels a lot of guilt and shame, especially if she’s had rages with her kids present. It’s hard though when someone you love tells you really mean things.