Reply To: Expressing frustrations constructively

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#115662
Vplaza73
Participant

Wow! A lot of what you are all saying is resonating with my current situation as well! I was officially diagnosed with ADHD about 6 months ago and I’m 33 years old. I am currently taking Adderall. My boyfriend is 39. He most definitely has it as well but has never been diagnosed and I also can barely get him to take out the overflowing trash and do the dishes let alone make a doctor’s appointment for himself. he is moving in about five weeks and has asked me to move in with him and the way things are going right now I don’t feel like that that is a good idea.

His sense of time is unreal. I know exactly how this feels as I do it too and can also relate. for instance last weekend he said he was going to come and meet me and my friends for a barbecue on Saturday night. as the hours ticked away and I didn’t hear from him I started calling him and he didn’t answer and said he was playing his video game – he’s very addicted to until 3 in the morning. He then said he was going to come to my place the next day and did not. I went to his house while trying to hide my fury and it was 4 p.m. on a beautiful day he was sleeping in his bed with a pleasure toy, laptop and his cell phone on the bed and had nothing to say for himself but bury his head in the pillow.

There’s a couple of things I want to ask. First I’ll state that his time management is absolutely atrocious. When he says I’ll be there at 7 I know it’ll be 8 at the very earliest probably 9 or 10. this has caused a lot of problems in our relationship because I have to get up early for work but he owns his own business so he can pretty much do whatever he wants. One person wrote I wish he wasn’t so distant I wish you would do this I feel that way a lot and I have let my frustrations come out sideways because I feel like I’m talking to a wall. then he will act like nothing’s wrong and say hey baby when I walk in the door like nothing has happened and I feel like I want to bang my head against a brick because he’s not self-aware enough to realize you haven’t been paying any attention to me you’ve been playing your video games for days saying that you’re depressed which I’m trying to understand and and be respectful of but it’s very difficult when you say you’re going to do things and then you never do them and then act like nothing is wrong. I get made out to be the needy person and I feel like absolute garbage. He does take dexedrine but not prescribed and I think he really needs to see a doctor and I can’t even get him to go in for a regular dental cleaning let alone do all the work that I had to do to get a diagnosis and I’m doing better on my meds but it’s like he’s not meeting me halfway. And now he wants to move in with me? I try and do nice things like take out the trash when I stay at his place and do the dishes but honestly I can’t even cook a meal for him because when he says he’ll be home he never is 3 hours later.

another thing I don’t know if I should comment on but it’s making me feel very jealous and hurt his finding porno videos on his computer and like I said his pleasure toys. I didn’t think about what I was going to say when I found them last weekend and I literally started shaking and said I didn’t feel well and had to go but then admitted to seeing the titles I didn’t actually see the movies and he accused me of shaming him. he can be very sweet and nice but when he doesn’t want to deal with something he’s just like okay bye. I could never do that to somebody I love. I know that we all have our own way of dealing with criticism or feeling accused of something but when I try and say anything he just dismisses it and is like okay see you later and I just I can’t wrap my head around it and then it makes me feel even more isolated sad and depressed.

to wrap this long story up I just don’t know how somebody that can act so sweet sometimes also act like such a ding dong and act like everything’s okay when I’m clearly trying to express that I’m hurt and that I want things to get better but there’s no effort on his part.

I want to be in this relationship happy not jealous and feeling secure but at the present moment I’m not feeling any of those things. I’ve resorted to snooping through his phone if he falls asleep and feeling paranoid and looking in his drawer to see if his pleasure toys have been moved around because then I know that he use them and I’m just driving myself crazy and I don’t know what to do.