Reply To: Struggling to understand him

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Hi confuzzled, I’ve been on your bf’s end so my ex and some close friends get quite upset with me like you too.

I think it may be related to different expectations in a relationship, he seems more like the introvert independent type who like his own space, does not really ask for help either. As people get closer, most people would expect their partner to express more verbally and other ways but it may be harder for an introvert. Personally I would just like to meet my partner once a week because I want to have my space too, but on that one day I will give the person my attention. I’m quite a passive person I guess, but spending time together helps and I talk more when the other person don’t keep pushing me to say something. Some people get pissed off when I can’t concentrate for a long time. If my partner ask me do you love me, I will say yes, but not really in a passionate way because obviously I won’t be with the person if I didn’t.

What worked for me is that we plan a day together to do something I like and something he like or alternate days where we do something one person like. It’s nice that you compromise but if you keep doing it, you may also feel frustrated and wonder if he take your patience for granted.

As for asking for help, maybe you can consider what kind of help to ask for. Some people are better at giving advice when you ask, doing something on the spot instead of following up kind of thing. Unfortunately most guys I know, whether they have adhd or not, don’t do follow up so I just ask for other things instead.

In a relationship, I’m like the admin coordinator who gets things organized and followed up, while my partner is usually the hands on person. Different people work well with different dynamics and roles.

Also, maybe you can try observing him when around his friends and talk to his friends, maybe they can give a better perspective as they know him longer than you.