I fought this same dilemma in myself and lost. I hated drugs. Still do. But without them I am dead in the water living my life in a plethora of survival tools to compensate for my “deficit”. The other hard thing was finding out that a small dose had me feel better in the beginning and not quite feel like I was making it in the world. My dose is perfect for me now and I wish I hadn’t fought the facts. I need it. I am depressed when I can’t quite cut it. I am not depressed when my meds bridge the gap. There. My antidepressant is being able to achieve to the best of my ability. No antidepressant was going to do that. The calm I have on my meds is the match between where I am and the hole in my chemistry being filled. I don’t torment myself anymore trying to make it on a lower dose. Wish I had surrendered 25 years ago.