I only have a single friend and I don’t get to hang out with him very often as he lives quite far away.
Having said that he is a “friend” I must confess that he never comes out to see me and most of the contact is generated by me.
I can cope with the isolation-it is what I have known for most of my life and although I do crave company occasionally even the most ideal social interaction can swiftly become something which I can no longer adequately comprehend and I just have to get away.
I do not tell dirty jokes, do bnot hold radical political views, am a devout atheist and do not have any bizarre habits or tastes which could offend, nothing ever gel’s in company though and I just know from experience that I will say or do something which makes me stick out for all the wrong reasons and slowly witness the people around me slipping away.
All of this is simply too stressful for mm nowadays and I am not prepared to expend the emotional energy on such things any more as I just know how it will turn out, on first meeting, people will be nice, open and calm and would apparently not be averse to further contact but then I blow it somehow, I can rarely work out what exactly puts them off and at my age of 60, I don’t see that changing.
I have my hobbies and interests, music, Carpentry, I have always read a lot-mainly non-fiction- even if I remember very little of what has passed before my eyes, certain facts will stick which means I am good at quizzes but my brain is ill-equipped to do anything of much practical use so life is deeply frustrating. I told my ADD assessor that I felt as if I had a fairly powerful “engine” located within my skull but lacked a “gearbox” so my engine just roars away to itself and I remain motionless
Got a great new smartphone but don’t know how to unlock it?-welcome to my brain!
So yes, staying alone helps me deal with it all, I am not subjected to the endless reminders of my inadequacies and failings,
I suppose it is a slightly cowardly approach and some may think I have simply “given up” but there are only a certain number of times that you need to bang your head on a brick wall before it finally dawns upon you that the wall is going to win so why put find something less damaging?
I could waffle on like this for days but I think you get the picture,
It ain’t easy, progress will be rare and probably transitory, you will meet kind people, value and respect them, always be both kind and honest yourself, avoid wherever possible doing and saying stuff which have resulted in feelings of guilt in the past and occasionally, just occasionally good things will happen-that’s the best I got.