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In January of this year, I learned after my assessment that I am Autistic in the report which followed, my assessor also stated that I had ADHD?ADD and recommended that I undergo another assessment but with a specialised ADHD Doctor, this took place last Wednesday and it was immediately confirmed that I am indeed ADD.I am not stupid but I failed to pass a single exam when at school, my mind used to simply drift off during lessons and during exams, it would simply freeze because the strain of trying to join up all those half-remembered, disembodied facts to come up with anything approaching a suitable answer was impossible.
So much is becoming clearer to me now, I am beginning to accept that my life could not have been so very different to how it is no matter what I did because I have very poor judgement and have great problems understanding many situations I find myself confronted with-especially when other people are involved.
There has been a lot of guilt shame and misery over the years, I have to confess, I knew that I was not the moron that my exam results would seem to indicate but as I could never seem to put whatever intelligence I did have to any practical purpose, it felt as if I might just as well have been.
Anyway, a lifetime of endless screw-ups, wrong turns, missed appointments, false dawns, car crashes,etc,etc followed and it has been pretty tough going.
I don’t feel as if I now have the Golden Excuse for my abject failure in life-I know that there were times when I had a better grasp of the odd situation than was the norm and still made regrettable choices nonetheless, I’d hate to think that I was trying to duck responsibility for my actions, the Peace Of Mind I have craved all these years will only come from fully embracing the truth about myself-the good and the bad. All these years I have been punishing myself I know I bear some guilt and am happy to face up to it but I would dearly love to get shot of all the crap I am not guilty for but which I carry around anyway-I am not confident yet to identify which is real and which is not.
I am about to start on medication for the ADD, I believe that this is by far the most important time of my life, if I get the right dose of the right med’s my life could change on a far greater scale than I have ever imagined, after 60 years of all this dysfunction,I reckon I could do with a break.
We just have to be positive- the thing which screws us up has been identified and the good news is that there are treatments out there which can radically alter everything, all the doubts and fears and shame that we may have borne in the past belong to another person who was never in complete control or had any great understanding of their lives, with the correct treatment I expect to “get” what is going on around me a bit more and be able to exercise more ownership having been able to develop deeper, clearer self-knowledge.
Good LUck-to us both!