Reply To: Balance between NOT patenting spouse, NOR neglecting others?

Home Welcome to the ADDitude Forums For Spouses & Loved Ones Balance between NOT patenting spouse, NOR neglecting others? Reply To: Balance between NOT patenting spouse, NOR neglecting others?

#113216
amznwmn
Participant

I’m sure I won’t win friends and influence people with my response, but…it’s given in an attempt to help, not to be critical.

I can only assume that people who marry someone with ADD/ADHD knew that person fairly well before marrying them. Consequently, unless that person is marrying the ADHD person with the idea that they can change them after the wedding, I have to assume they knew or should have known what they were getting into before the ceremony.

Rather than complaining or punishing the ADHD person for behavior that they can’t help or that is a consequence of their ADHD, why not look for ways to help make that ADHD person more successful in getting tasks done?

In every relationship, there is give and take, a balance that needs to be maintained. One spouse is good at things that the other spouse isn’t. And vice versa. Why should taking pets to the vet be one person’s job when the pets are owned and enjoyed by both parties? If one spouse can never remember birthdays or anniversaries, why should that spouses side of the family bear the brundt of that forgetfulness when the other spouse sees and recognizes that weakness? Why not accept that weakness with the knowledge that the ADHD spouse has strengths in other areas? Or, if the ADHD spouse wants to be better at remembering dates, why not look for ways to help make that happen?

Rather than continuing to live without a bathroom sink, why not ask what roadblock the ADHD spouse came up against that made him stop? How about looking for ways to help him finish the project? Put on an old work shirt and jeans, grab a screwdriver and go ask him how you can help him be successful in completing the project.

Marriage is about a partnership, about helping each other be and feel successful in their lives, finding out what issues are preventing that success and looking for solutions. This is especially important in an ADD/ADHD marriage because that person probably dealt with the same criticism and disapproval all of his life, and more than likely didn’t get married just to keep hearing it.

Like I said, I’m trying to be respectful and respond with what I think is constructive advice, and I hope it’s taken in the same spirit.