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I try to have a rule of thumb, but it’s different for different situations. Like for his family, who live far away and who we don’t have a great relationship with, I let him handle all gift situations for grown ups (who generally end up getting nothing, and they’ve argued about it), but I send gifts to our niece on his side, because she’s a kid and I don’t want her to be affected. My husband can try to explain his forgetfulness to the adults, but I don’t want to not get a child a present!
For house stuff, we’ve been in a constant battle to hire more jobs out. My husband always thinks he can do it, underestimates the time and money it’ll take, and also the fact that once the job is started, he doesn’t actually have much motivation to get it done!! I find it too frustrating. So if it’s something that NEEDS to get done, we hire someone.
I really struggle with all the articles about not parenting a spouse, because often my husband isn’t doing his job as an adult, and there’s no “good” way to deal with that, or communicate that to someone else. But when they aren’t taking care of the people and things around them, it’s extra guilt and burden on me to have to worry about that stuff getting done AND not “parenting”. If someone refuses to do all their adult responsibilities, how does someone else either get it done or deal with living like they’re the only one who’s responsible!? Anyway, I feel your pain. Letting go of whatever I can has helped, but there’s still a lot that can’t realistically be let go of.