Reply To: Looking back on my whole marriage

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jfrutrx
Participant

Phillipa

So far as far as I can tell my children do not seem to have ADHD. Definitely not hyperactive. They do hyper focus on stupid iPhones and iPads at times and it takes a bit to snap them out and get them to put them down. This is a generational problem as well perhaps. I highlighted 90% of the book too!

The frustration is real… I too have been the breadwinner for many years of our marriage. During all the times he was “laid off” I stepped up to work more hours. Some weeks as many as 50-55 hours. With toddlers and infants at home! Then I would walk in after a 14-16 day of work to a MESS. I would yell at him and get pissed off. He wasn’t capable of multi-tasking to watch the children and entertain them, and use the nap time to try to apply for jobs. No way could he cook or clean up too. I would get so mad when he ordered pizza or take out for $40+ dollars at times. I would think “I’m busting my ass out there and you spend this money on take-out?” Make a box of pasta for less then $2…! Through therapy I have uncovered that part of the anger I have is at no time during these periods of lay off did he even try to get a BASIC job at a deli or restaurant or anything for extra cash. He literally was applying for positions that were lateral to what he left and he thought it fine to have me work extra and him mind children by day. It wasn’t even that I wanted him to get a minimum wage job, but it was the lack of offer or initiative that really hurt me.
Usually it is the lack of initiative that is the most unattractive thing about my husband. For example, my husband has had major problems with his teeth over the years, and does not like dentists. He uses the “I do not like dentists” to just not go to the dentist. He has not been in 5 years. This has happened before. It usually results in a tooth crisis when he gets an infection or abscess or a tooth breaks. Then he’s in a scramble. It gets so old. How about you just go to the dentist 1-2 times a year since you have a history of tooth issues and avoid all crisis and chaos? I think “told you so” or sarcastic “who didn’t see that coming” like 10 times a day. If I say anything about it he sighs and makes it that I’m the ass.

One of the things my therapist has also asked is “does your husband function as an adult in the marriage?”. In my case I would say about 60% of the time. The other 40% he functions likes a 14 year old boy. Playing video games, avoiding chaos, ignoring late notices, dumping his dirty socks wherever he wants. All this makes it as if I have another child. He doesn’t really seem to care. I just told him last night that I am trying hard to sensor all my thoughts and conversation with him to avoid speaking down and “mothering” or nagging him. I feel like anything I say now is taken this way. We can’t seem to have a serious conversation or a conversation that results in support through years of friendship. That is the most hurtful. He sees everything I say to him as a nag or my being a pest. I simply asked this weekend what is the plan for the yard this year? Landscaper? you going to do it? He’s like… “I don’t want to do anything”. What kind of plan or adult answer is that? Anytime to want to vent I am happy to relate and share.

jfrutrx