Reply To: I'm just realizing: my husband is a mess!

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ADHDmomma – I can’t thank you enough for your reply! It came at a perfect time!

I casually talked to my husband about the medical power of attorney idea and I’m shocked to say he was ANGRY! He says I implied he’s incompetent. I can’t help thinking, “maybe I inadvertently implied that he’s incompetent, but…isn’t he kinda acting like he is?” It took him 4 months of “meaning to” look at my car tires (just “put his eyes on” them – before he got the chance I took it to the shop, despite his reservations about them ripping me off, because I got sick of filling up empty tires on my way to/from work every week) and 6 YEARS to unpack his office: it seems to me that based my experiences it’s not a stretch for me to be concerned about him caring for my medical needs! (Nevermind my neglected relationship needs)
He recently said that his problem with being married is that he’s accustomed to his chaos and is annoying that I won’t learn to tolerate it. I sent him an article on “different tolerances for chaos” in ADHD marriage, but I don’t know whether he glanced at it.

He’s taking ginseng while he’s at work and I notice a huge difference when he’s on it, but I know he didn’t take it this morning (I’m not sure if he’s been neglecting to take it regularly – I wasn’t paying attention before this morning). He’s very wary of prescription medications, which is baffling to me since he’s tried illicit substances. Our ADHD coach/counselor is giving him behavioral techniques when he shows openness to them. Our niece has been trying medications for her ADHD for a year now and is yet to find one that fits so I’m not really hopeful that we’ll be able to find one.

Which is another thing – my sister-in-law and I both think my mother-in-law has ADHD. Her household is chaos (she’s a bit of a hoarder). I’m sure growing up in that gave him a different idea of what’s “normal”/healthy/sanitary.

I keep thinking of the quote that goes something like, “anyone who is angered by your boundaries was benefiting from you having none,” and the idea of a medical power of attorney is a relief to me. I’m looking forward to hearing what our counselor thinks about the whole thing when we see him this evening.

But I keep having nightmares about our dogs being hurt/sick and my husband being completely unaware of it and unconcerned about it. In my real, waking life I watch them try to get his attention multiple times every day while he’s hyperfocused on his computer games or his phone and it breaks my heart when they give-up and walk away. I hate to think they might feel as neglected as I do! But I can’t stand the thought of them being medically neglected if something happens to me! How can I even logistically address that concern?! Could I put something in my will?