Reply To: PLEASE Tell me your story, I was just diagnosed & feeling confused/alone at 28

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#110437
Aleksandar_Atan
Participant

This whole thing really resonates. I had a stream of thoughts but I didn’t put it down so I’m gonna try and tell my story I apologize if this goes on for too much.

I was struggling with anxiety and depression throughout my life. Ups and downs but I don’t think it ever reached a critical point. Sometimes it was good, other times it was bad but one thing seemed persistent. Lack of attention, lack of focus and chaotic nature of my being. Something that I only recently realized are ADHD symptoms.

I can’t really blame anyone, people with ADHD or people who are close to these people, for writting this things off because when you look at the conditions ADHD people have they seem like something everyone goes through in their lives at some point.

But I think that’s where difference lies. Everyone goes through this at some point. I never had a period when I wasn’t going through this. From wnen I was a child until my current age one thing stuck. I seem spaced out to everyone around me. Sometimes it comes off as rude, for example today when I left my girlfriend’s apartmend I didn’t say bye to her mother. She keeps telling me when this kind of stuff happen but I didn’t notice it in the slightest. It happens a lot. Other times people think I’m high. So it didn’t really help that I had a period in my teenage years when I was high all the time but that was for couple of months not my entire life. People keep thinking that I’m high and this is something I can understand. I feel like I’m constantly high and I can’t really explain that to people. I remember speaking to a dude who told me why he liked getting high, how he feels spaced out and like he’s not present at the moment. I feel like that all the time, that’s the problem.
Besides that a lot of stuff that I was doing made for funny anectodes. A lot of this stuff didn’t affect me greately but that’b because people focus on this funny adventures that happen like I accidently miss a city I live in and end up in completely different part of town. It doesn’t destroy me and I find it funny but it’s something that’s not that interesting if it’s your entire life.

I lost scholarships, jobs, failed at school, relationships and a lot of other stuff that I can’t think of right now because of it. I lost an ID and I couldn’t get my scholarship because I needed a printed ID, I was an awful student barely passing grades while in elementary and secondary school because I can’t focus on all the classes and I can’t pay attention at the clas and because I keep forgetting to bring a pencil, homework, all of that stuff. I had hard time getting to a point where I’m in a relationship because I keep losing my phone or neglecting to pay a phone bill so I can’t get in touch with a girl, when I did it often led to dissapointments because I keep forgetting birthdays, aniversaries, even names. Nothing stuck.
Finding someone with enough understanding can be a strain. Even then the people tend to get agitated at a certain point and I completely understand that.

My biggest concern and when I realized I needed help when it came to my conclusion that when I’m with someone it’s not just me I’m pulling down it’s the people who rely on me in this case my current girlfriend. She’s struggling with her own stuff and she can’t be that symphatetic.

The upside to all of this is hyperfocus. I managed to accomplish a lot with very little time. Stuff that interest me I excell at them. One time a guy that I was in a uni with asked me how much I study for exams and I told him I’m not really a person he should be talking to because what takes people 2 weeks I cram in a day. It’s something I really focus on so I rarely even read it twice. I never studied in that traditional way and I had excelent results but only at the university level. I’ve recently got my masters degree and I was lucky my proffesors were sympathetic towards me because I often forgot to apply for an exam but they let me take the exam regardless. If this wasn’t the case I would never finish my first semester let alone get the masters degree.
I also had that luck that my close friend has somewhat similar condition and she understood me and we were together at the uni. One time she was instructing me to make copies of a book for the whole class and she gave me detailed instructions. Some girl that was going with me asked me “Why do you let her talk to you like that? She’s treating you like a child.” and I told her “Trust me, she knows what she’s doing.” because to me this wasn’t patronizing she just knew me well enough to know how to interact with me.

Another big problem is iniciative. I lack any of it. Ever. It makes dating awful, it makes getting things that almost impossible, it makes keeping friends and gaining new ones hard. People expect certain things from you and you just can’t deliver on them.

I go through feelings of self doubt, lack of self worth, lack of any motivation, lack of any ambitions on a daliy basis. The whole thing really makes me think how I ever done anything yet I did manage to do stuff. Still it feels like I haven’t accomplished much. Like everything I did was somwehat just pure luck or something. Like I didn’t put the work in to consider myself accomplished.

Sorry if this was too long and uncomprehensable, English is my second language. Not that my first language is any less chaotic when I speak it.

Thanks for letting me share this it really helps.