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“It makes me wonder am I trying to believe I have something I don’t just to justify my failures? I feel guilty.”
This sentence struck such a cord with me I felt like I had to respond to your post.
I was similarly diagnosed as an adult (25) after the “ADHD” question being whispered my whole childhood. I felt a huge weight had been lifted and a lot of experiences in my life started to make so much sense ( losing jobs due to lateness, not “applying” myself at school, issues with relationships, the constant voice in your head that tells you, “you aren’t good enough”).
It felt like the diagnoses was all I needed and I could continue my life doing what I’ve always done. Closure I suppose was what I was initially looking for. I hadn’t actually thought further than that!
This lasted a few months before I decided to start medicating. My dose was titrated (concerta XL) to 36mg which I eventually stopped due to feeling like I was losing my personality and what made me, me. I was literally a walking (highly functioning) zombie.
I then battled for around a year with the same question I quoted above. Am I making this up? Am I just lazy and unmotivated? Telling people is always difficult and when broaching the subject with my employer I was faced with a blank face and “I’m sorry but I don’t know what that is”. Which was hard, cause when you explain ADHD, its sounds like excuses.
This led me to contact my local ADHD service and start the whole process again. I have a different doctor now who is more transparent about the results of my initial test and now has me on an 18mg dose, which we will review in a month and go from there.
The journey is just beginning and everyone’s brain is wired differently. Keep discussing your feelings with your doctor and find something that works for you. Sometimes its a different dose, drug or nothing at all!
Thank you for sharing your experiences and making me feel slightly more human.
Peace and Love <3