I just came across your update today and hope you are all right.
I will reiterate, as a person with ADHD married to a person with ADHD:
If your boyfriend is physically preventing you from meeting your own needs and having autonomy, like blocking you from leaving the room when you want to, badgering you so that you can’t work or sleep, keeping you from leaving the house when you want to, making his anger and negative emotions your fault?
That is abuse. Emotional and potentially physical.
Please call a domestic abuse hotline and make a plan for your safety and talk to a counselor or peer advisor trained in domestic violence issues to discuss what you want to do.
The reasons don’t matter. Whether he can “help it” doesn’t matter. No diagnosis makes it okay to be physically controlling or emotionally abusive to a partner.
Saying “well, he doesn’t do this when he’s on his meds…” is exactly like saying “well, he only hits me when he drinks.”
I know it’s complicated. And I know you’ve been normalizing this for a long, long time.
It’s not normal.
Please prioritize your own needs here. He is a grownup. He will work out how to take care of himself.
You need to take care of yourself.