You sound like a very kind and caring person. And you are definitely not expecting too much to want to be treated fairly and with respect. In fact, in these early stages of a relationship, it is imperative that you set healthy boundaries and insist on it, whether someone has ADHD or not.
Your chap needs to find an ADHD savvy prescribing doctor and discuss his medication. There are many options. If what he tried before didn’t suit him, try a different medication, or dosage.
Self-medicating with alcohol or drugs is not a solution. Can lead to addiction and anti-social behaviour. And the resulting poor sleep quality really detrimental. And I think the sugar in alcohol is like throwing gasoline on a fire.
If, or when, he gets back on meds that work for him, he needs to accept the diagnosis, stop blaming and start taking responsibility for manage this curly syndrome. It’s not easy, but it’s definitely doable. Hard aerobic exercise, ADD savvy diet and good solid sleep, go a long way to helping. And education, perseverance and mutual respect are needed on both sides of a relationship when ADHD is involved.
You are in the early stages of this relationship so my advice would be to talk to him face to face or skype. Plan it for when he is sober. Tell him how great he is when he is not drinking. List all his positive qualities and what you really like about him. The majority of ADDers I have met are super intelligent, funny, creative and kind; but not when self-medicating with alcohol!
Then tell him how his current behaviour makes you feel. This is the time you need to be very clear and very calm. Tell him you will not speak with him when he is drunk, and if he continues to drink excessively you cannot continue the relationship as it is; perhaps suggest a break for a month during which you do not communicate. Set a date in a month to talk again and reassess. Give him a chance to see what he will lose, sober up and get back on his meds. If he values your relationship it might be the catalyst, he needs to stop drinking.
It is not your job to rescue him or stay in an unhealthy relationship so he doesn’t feel rejected.
Be strong. He’s more likely to have respect for you if you stand up for yourself, and so will you. And if he isn’t going to stop drinking, you do not want to continue a relationship with a drunk. Sounds like you’ve been there, done that.
Best of luck, and lots of TLC for yourself, as you move forward. Xxx