Thanks for the encouragement Penny.
Treating the depression first made sense to me at first. But the number one source of my negative thoughts is the very real problem that I can’t get myself to do my work. Everything revolves around that. Every week I submit a timesheet, and I don’t even know how to fill it out because does time sitting at my desk trying and failing to work count? It makes me really want to quit my job – they’re not getting what they’re paying for. But this job is an awesome opportunity with amazing people and I don’t want to give it up.
At the last appointment I discussed my disappointment about not starting stimulants and my fear about my job. She was nice, but not helpful. I went over my appointment time crying about it in her office. I still don’t think I explained myself very well.
People keep preaching patience, but it doesn’t feel like just a waiting game for me. It feels like I’m deteriorating. I used to have so many good habits. I started every day with a color coded to-do list, I always had a concrete plan for the week. I would take walks and regroup when I started to hit a wall. But in time, my to-do list became the ONLY task I would complete on a daily basis. It started to feel like a waste of time to re-write a to-do list that I make no progress on and re-write every day. And when it 12:30 pm and you’ve done literally NO work, do I really need to take a break and take a walk? All of my non-medication coping strategies are falling apart.