Have you tried attending al-anon meetings. It’s based on the same principals used in 12-step recovery (AA) meetings, but it focuses on the spouse, parent, child, friend of the alcoholic.
As a recovered alcoholic (and adhd) person myself, I have attended mixed meetings (aa + al-anon) and found them very helpful and insightful. There truly are answers to your questions here. I hope you find some relief one day at a time. And with enough patience, tolerance and love, that your hisband too, may someday enjoy the fruits of sobriety.
Check out al-anon.org for info > meeting locations in your area. Best of Luck.