Reply To: Feeling resentful about his ADHD

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Hi @damnmouse – thanks for your message. No thankfully the house being messy etc isn’t a thing that really troubles me. It’s more emotional responses and not providing emotional space when I need it that is the issue.I hope that you don’t feel too much like you’re not worth anyone’s time and patience. I think that anyone who is open and honest about their issues and works on them is definitely worth time and patience!

@Spaceboy 99…At the risk of sounding defeatist rather than truthful, I have tried everything you mentioned in your post 🙁
I wouldn’t say my DH has stagnated, rather than he is really inconsistent. One thing both of us are good at is being very open with one another. He knows I have been thinking about leaving and we’ve had many arguments that have led to more level-headed discussions (when he’s on meds) that I am thinking of leaving. So I think that maybe as much as he may think I’m important enough to him to try to change and take his meds, he doesn’t realize that I’m not important enough to him. And I don’t want to accept that I’m not…or I also doubt my thought on this matter as I may well be just pitying myself.

All I hear is how he wants to change and how he is trying. Maybe my expectations are too high and it is too much to ask of him to take his meds.

I keep imagining us a happy family with children…I wanted that so desperately and now all I can do is cry at the future that probably will never be. There are moments when I want to kill myself because it is too much. I know ultimately that I would not take my own life over this, but I must admit there are small pockets of time when thibgs get too intense that I think I’d rather be dead. And it’s such a selfish and awful thought to have. And I know that really that should mark to me that all boundaries have been crossed and my mental health has gone and I should get out.

But I keep trusting my resilience and I know this relationship is no longer healthy for me, but I love him so much and I don’t believe in giving up. I know I am pretty much wasting my life away in panic and tears but I keep doing it anyway. It disturbs me that I know what this relationship is costing me but that I still pursue it. I think it’s because I know that I’m not blameless and that maybe if I could be the better person…and I am getting better at that…then maybe it would work.

But it’s been many years now. It’s not like I tried and gave up for a season. I’ve tried for years. Gone to counselling, changed my behavior, read up on ADHD, joined forums like this one to hear from others to make sure that I’m not just an ignorant spouse who has no idea how difficult it is for my DH. I’m running out of reasons and excuses to stay…and I keep searching for them because I don’t want this to be the end.

He’s the one I imagined myself growing old with but maybe the picture in my head is just false. Or only part true. Of course we have good times and a laugh and the rest of it. But he is controlling…I think this is the hardest thing to accept. He does all the things we agreed he wouldn’t do, doesn’t take his meds, unwittingly dictates whether I should be sad or not, tells me off for getting upset by his behavior, shushes me like a dog, doesn’t respect my space (or more accurately takes too long to respect it), and denies what I am feeling. Again, he does none of this on his meds.

Why can’t he just take them? Why is it so hard? It is so hard to accept that after all our years together and his claims that he wants to start a family with me that he is choosing not to take his meds over our future together…he’s choosing the end of our relationship. And he will be surprised if I walk away even though we’ve had MANY conversations (unheated I may add, so they weren’t arguments rather than very open conversations), because he has admitted that due to his ADHD he only really responds to a threatening situation and my threats of leaving don’t last in his mind for long.

…And guess what? Tomorrow I will forgive him and this will all happen again. Tomorrow I will hug him and tell him how much I love him and he’ll do and say the same. And in the evening or maybe the evening after I will cry again and feel overwhelmed by his behavior. I’ll be an old woman by the time I know my answer…whether I’d wasted my life or simply was a fool in love.