emwinshi & spaceboy — thank you so, so much for the thoughtful input. This is so helpful for me!
I have suspected for some time that there HAD to be a good explanation for the dynamic in our household. My husband is such a caring, loving, and loyal person. I truly believe that he wouldn’t purposely TRY to increase my workload or ignore things for selfish reasons.
After my son was born 4 years ago, I suffered for about a year with post partum depression, but I didn’t recognize it because prior to that time I had never experienced any kind of clinical depression and didn’t really know the signs — I just knew I was sinking, unhappy, burned out, crying a lot. My husband did everything in his power to “step up to the plate” so to speak… the house would be a disaster when he came home from work, kids would be sitting around in pajamas still and so would I. He’d just greet us with smiles and hugs, get the kid’s dinner, after they were in bed he’d pick up toys, clean the kitchen, even go to the grocery store late at night to buy what we needed — I was a mess and he was the foundation for the entire family at that time.
He told me later that it was easier for him to see what needed to be done because there was SO MUCH that was a mess lol
He said prior to that, he’d always felt the work was done, the house looked good, laundry was done, so he never noticed anything he needed to do, but said he would try harder to help more. I finally sought therapy for myself once I realized how different I had become and how negatively it was impacting the entire family. The diagnosis for me was situational/post partum depression and “caretaker burnout”. I worked with my therapist on solutions and worked with my husband as well.
But slowly as I got back to my old self… so did he, and here we are.
I’m ready to talk with him about the possibility that he has undiagnosed ADD or ADHD and ask if he’d be amiable to an evaluation. I think he will be. I’m also going to share some of the comments from here and some articles that I have read so maybe he’ll see that some of the things are exactly what we experience, maybe it will make some sense to him and we can get our shit together.
Marriages are always, always a work in progress and even though ours has never been perfect, we do try to put in the effort. I kind of feel like this might be a game changer!