Just a quick background about me: I have ADHD, anxiety, depression. My husband also has ADHD, as well as all 3 kids (youngest is deceased). She had severe anxiety and depression as well.
I hate to say it, but I think you’re fighting a losing battle here. In our house, all of us having ADHD helped because we all understood each other. In your house, it seems as though it is causing conflict.
I think that you and your children are in danger. You’ve already said as much. Your son has wisely moved out of the house for his own mental health, and your youngest is showing signs of taking on dad’s abusive behavior.
You’re already supporting the family, and it sounds like doing much of the housework and childcare as well.
I know you hate to give up on this, but you need to think about the kids and yourself. Think about what they are learning in this environment.
You are obviously a strong person. You can do this.
Best wishes. I am subscribing to this thread, so I will be around if you need.