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I read this article yesterday too Ranma & it really hit hm. Now I’m getting teared up again reading your post. It does feel better to not feel alone. You are not alone! The funny part about this is that I am an Occupational Therapist & somehow I feel like I should be able to OT my way out of this. I know just like a MD can’t treat themselves effectively, I should know I can’t therapize myself. That doesn’t mean I can’t put tools to use. I am seen by a Psychiatrist every 3 mo.s & she always’s is available by ph. She gives me a sliding scale & let’s me pay 1/2 up front & half later since my insurance no longer cover’s her. She tried me out on Prozac-i’m off that now, Gaba-low dose to help c restless leg/anxiety/sleep, dosage of concerta, it helps, but certainly not a stand alone fix & a low dosage of clonazepam for those times I start slipping down the rabbit hole. If I get too far down the rabbit hole I want to self medicate…as many of us do. I’m working on trying to stop the neg self talk, look at the glass half full & considering speaking to my boss…again. But I too am afraid-there is clear difficulty c communication as well as a lot of negativity that’s been directed at me. I want to quit, but I’m afraid she won’t give me a good rec. I’ve been there for about 8 yrs-she is my 5th Dir of Nursing. And just like you, when I start looking at other job’s-I start freaking out about failure or hurting myself again-at 47 I have already had a back fusion. I’m a good OT & I love my pts-maybe being extra sensitive & obsessed can have benefit’s in some circumstances? Being a good OT doesn’t make me a good employee & I found out she said something neg about me yesterday to a pt’s fam member. Needless to say, I’m beyond distraught. I’m going to try & talk c my boyfriend right now about RSD. I’m scared. It sucks to hear, “Your too sensitive,” or “Get over it!” Funny, I’ve never heard of RSD before-I think I’d rather be called an unevolved Empath-not like the mind reader on Star Trek! Many times my ruminating type of worried behavior ends up being a legitimate deal-i.e., I can sense my boss dislikes me, then yesterday it was confirmed. I’m an easy scapegoat & she placed blame on me. I requested a med order for hosp bed for a pt who need’s it…3 mo’s ago! She told the pt’s fam that insurance denied it because the order was not written correctly. Meanwhile, I’m obsessively asking about where the damn bed is constantly, because my pt has aspiration precautions and he could choke and …climbing up the rabbit hole. Going to take an HTP-1, maybe a Same & reach for a sparkling water instead of a self medication beverage. I’m going to sing/try & play the guitar & thank the higher power’s that be. When I speak to my family about these things they have strong negative feelings about medications and say,”Just need to get to church!” I don’t disagree completely.
Ranma, apologies for going on a tangential soliloquy. I didn’t mean to sound so self absorbed. How long have you been living c RSD? Are you taking medication for anxiety & ADHD? Do you live in the US? What kinds of work are you drawn too? Is your name really Ranma, I was just reading something about the name at http://www.kabalarian.com-I’d take all this c a grain of salt and hope I am not out of line because honestly I don’t know a thing about Kabalarian Philosophy. I just know that I would rather focus on it than pay attention and deal c anything other than my own life situation’s. With uptmost respect, Shanleigh