Hi @ADHD Pun Here. Thanks for your reply. I wrote at some length but it doesn’t appear to have posted. So I will try again…
Everything you say gives me hope and also not. On the one hand it shows me what could be achieved. On the other hand, how maybe my DH telling me he is trying his best isn’t true. He claims he can’t remember to take his meds. We have tried so many methods of reminder. Alarms, me telling him, him keeping them various places around the house. Nothing works.
I find it hard to leave the space/room when I need to because he blocks me or follows me. This escalates my anger. We have spoken many times about it but he does not respect my boundaries. This only happens when he is not on meds…everything bad only happens when he’s not on meds.
I keep thinking maybe he is trying his best…only he knows whether he is or not. But another part of me says he isn’t and feels betrayed that he says he wants things to be better but can’t do the one thing that does make pretty much everything better, which is to take his meds.
He blames a lot of his behavior on me. At the beginning of our relationship I was more naive. I used to believe him and thought I was going mad because I couldn’t remember doing half the things he told me I had done. Then I realized none of it was true. Nowadays I realize some of it is correct about me making things worse with my behavior. It’s because I am fed up. I’m not proud of my behavior but I don’t see how I can behave any differently. I can’t help feeling annoyed at times and I can’t get the space I ask for…but I DO get blamed for then getting angry and panicked. I feel like I’m under attack during those times that I feel so overwhelmed – it is the same physical sensation. But no, I’m supposed to be some miracle person who can deal with all of this…deal with everything and remain calm all the time. It is so much pressure.
I feel so utterly heartbroken, over and over. And every day I forgive him over and over. But I would be lying if I didn’t say that resentment has been building up. I felt so confident we would be happy and more peaceful as the new year came in. But it’s more of the same. Sometimes I wish I didn’t love him. It sounds so cruel, but that is what makes me continue to damage and exhaust myself and not walk away and to keep trying even though it seems pointless. I know in myself if it were any other situation, I would have moved on a long time ago. But in this one situation, I make every single exception. I break all of my personal rules. I forgive over and over when my boundaries are trampled on. I know I am probably encouraging bad behavior. But short of leaving, which clearly I am not ready to do, I don’t think he will get the message. Ever.
So I need to get used to this. I need to accept that this is my life now if I choose not to leave. I don’t see what will change to make him want to make more effort. The craziest thing is I KNOW I am the person he most loves in all this world – beyond any of his family or friends. But this is his best…supposedly…and I am so tired of voicing that I expect more and I think he is too. But we’re still together. Like broken records that keep trying to play a love song.
I hear my friends with non-ADHD partners talk about their DHs and I wonder if maybe I’m just too critical and maybe this is just the nature of all relationships and I should be more grateful for what is good in the relationship. I have been trying to make a mental note of all the good things at the end of each day to remind myself of why I am still in this situation. There are plenty of good things, just the bad parts seem so unbearable…but I guess they aren’t so unbearable if I’m still choosing to be in this situation.
I am rambling now. I will leave it there.